life as a library

In real life I know a boy named, let’s say, Ethan. Or used to know. When Ethan was 26 he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was shot and killed.

In dream life last night he was also gone, but a few people didn’t know. I was at a bar, drinking alone (so like real life!), and the bartender said, “Oh my god it’s Ethan! Ethan’s right behind you!” I just stirred my drink and said, “No he’s not.”

The whole dream took place in a vast library, at night. And everyone I ever knew (for better or worse) was an occasional visitor to this library. I nodded awkwardly at a few people as I passed them, flirted with someone I only “knew” from having seen in a movie, and had a few great conversations with my closest friends.

It wasn’t bad. And then I ran into someone I’m going to call Mabel. In real life I worked with Mabel at the public library when I was in high school. Mabel was bitter, three times my age, and extremely obese. She was also pretty uneducated. I was the giggling girl who could do my job in 20 minutes and spend the rest of my shift making out with the punk boys in the basement. And I had just won a pretty much full scholarship to the most expensive school in the country. Mabel hated me.

In the dream it was no different. Mabel’s response to seeing me was an icy “What are you doing here?” She rattled off things that were wrong with me, the same things that had always been wrong with me as far as Mabel was concerned. I didn’t work hard enough, my lipstick was too red, etc…

Without getting into the specifics, because they are dream strange (overly detailed and yet somehow too vague), I’m here to tell you that I trounced Mabel! The gist of my winning argument was this: she didn’t really know me, and I did in fact belong.